Why do toddlers hit? Toddlers often hit because they are very young and cannot use words well yet. This kind of behavior, called toddler hitting behavior, is how they show big feelings like anger, frustration, or even excitement. It’s a normal part of being a toddler, but you can help them stop. This guide shares simple steps and ideas to help your little one keep their hands to themselves and learn better ways to show feelings.
Image Source: biglittlefeelings.com
Why Little Kids Hit
Figuring out why your toddler hits is the first big step. It’s not because they are bad. Hitting is their way of talking when they don’t have the words.
Toddlers have many strong feelings. They feel mad, sad, happy, and tired. They don’t know how to show these feelings safely yet. Hitting is a quick way for them to get their feelings out. It can also happen when they want something, like a toy, and don’t know how to ask. Sometimes, they hit just to see what happens. This is part of the toddler hitting phase.
Common reasons for hitting:
- Big feelings: Anger, frustration, excitement, sadness.
- Wanting something: A toy, attention, food.
- Not having words: They can’t say “I’m mad” or “I want that.”
- Copying others: They might see someone else hit on TV or real life.
- Feeling tired or hungry: This makes big feelings even harder to handle.
- Getting attention: Sometimes, hitting gets a quick reaction from parents.
Dealing with toddler aggression can feel hard. But remember, your child is learning. They need your help to learn new skills.
What To Do Right Away When Hitting Happens
When your toddler hits, you need to act fast and clearly. Your quick reaction helps them learn that hitting is not okay.
Here are simple steps to take the moment it happens:
- Stop the hitting: Gently but firmly hold their hands if needed. Stop the action.
- Use clear, short words: Say simply, “No hitting.” Or “Hands are not for hitting.” Keep it very short.
- Show them what to do: Take their hand and show them a soft touch. Say, “Gentle hands.”
- Focus on the person hurt (if any): Ask, “Are you okay?” Show care for the person hit. This teaches kindness.
- Move them away (if needed): If the hitting keeps happening or is aimed at another child, move your toddler away from the situation for a very short time. This is not a punishment. It’s a short break to help them calm down. One minute per year of age is a good rule (e.g., 2 minutes for a 2-year-old).
- Stay calm: This is very important. If you get mad or yell, it can make things worse. Show them how to handle big feelings calmly.
This is part of how to discipline a hitting toddler. It’s about guiding them, not punishing them hard. You are teaching them a rule and a better way to act.
Teaching Toddlers Gentle Hands
A key way to stop hitting is to teach your child what to do instead of hitting. Teaching toddlers gentle hands is very important.
How to teach gentle hands:
- Show them: Take their hand and lightly stroke your arm or a doll. Say, “This is gentle hands.”
- Practice: Practice being gentle with toys, pets, and family members. Praise them when they are gentle. “Oh, you are so gentle with the doggie!”
- Use words: Often remind them, “Remember, gentle hands.”
- Read books: Find simple books about being kind and using gentle touches.
- Play games: Play games where you practice soft touches, like stroking a feather or touching soft things.
You can talk about gentle hands often, not just when hitting happens. Make it a normal idea in your home.
Giving Toddlers Other Ways To Show Feelings
Since toddlers hit because they lack words, help them find other ways to show how they feel. These are alternatives to hitting toddler uses.
Ideas for showing feelings:
- Using words (simple ones): Help them say “Mad!” or “Mine!” or “Stop!” even if it’s just one word. Repeat their feeling back to them, “You are feeling mad.” This helps them learn the word for the feeling.
- Using actions that are okay:
- Stomp their feet (away from others).
- Hug a pillow.
- Rip paper (safe paper).
- Squeeze a stress ball.
- Jump up and down.
- Take deep breaths (you can do this with them).
- Drawing or making noise: Some kids like to scribble hard when mad or make a loud (but not yelling) noise.
When your child is upset, gently remind them of these other actions they can do. “You feel mad! Can you stomp your feet?”
Setting Clear Simple Rules
Toddlers need rules to be very clear and easy to remember. When it comes to hitting, the rule is simple: “No hitting. Hitting hurts.”
How to set clear rules:
- Keep it short: One sentence is best for a toddler.
- Be firm and calm: Your voice should be serious but not angry.
- Say it often: You will need to repeat this rule many, many times.
- Everyone follows the rule: Parents, caregivers, older siblings – everyone agrees that hitting is not okay.
- Show the rule: When you say “No hitting,” also show them “Gentle hands.”
This is part of how to discipline a hitting toddler using positive discipline for toddlers. It’s teaching them good behavior instead of just stopping bad behavior.
Positive Discipline For Toddlers
Positive discipline is a way of guiding children. It focuses on teaching, not just punishing. When dealing with toddler aggression, positive discipline is very helpful.
Ideas for positive discipline:
- Teach, don’t punish: See hitting as a teaching chance, not a reason to punish.
- Connect before correcting: Get down on their level. Look them in the eye. Speak gently first before telling them “no hitting.”
- Show them what to do: Always follow a “no” with a “do this instead.” “No hitting. Touch soft.”
- Praise good behavior: When you see them using gentle hands or using words, tell them exactly what you liked. “You asked for the toy! That was great!” “You used such gentle hands with the baby!”
- Ignore small things: Sometimes, small testing behaviors can be ignored if they are not hurting anyone. Save your “no” for important things like hitting.
- Use logical results: If they hit a toy, the toy gets a short break. If they hit a person, they might need a short break away from people. The result makes sense with the action.
Positive discipline helps your child learn right from wrong because they feel safe and loved while they learn. It builds a good relationship with your child. This is a core part of positive discipline for toddlers.
What Not To Do When Your Toddler Hits
Just as important as what to do is knowing what not to do. Some reactions can make hitting worse.
Things to avoid:
- Hitting back: Never hit a child back. This teaches them that hitting is okay when you are angry or bigger. This is the opposite of what you want to teach. Hitting back is not an alternative to hitting toddler might use. It is harmful and confusing.
- Yelling or getting very angry: This can scare your child. It also shows them that when you have big feelings, you lose control. You want to show them how to keep control.
- Giving too much attention: If hitting always gets a lot of attention (even if it’s angry attention), your child might do it more to get you to notice them.
- Long time-outs: Toddlers have a short attention span. Very long time-outs don’t work well. A minute or two is often enough for them to calm down.
- Trying to talk too much: When your child is upset and hitting, they can’t hear long talks. Keep it very, very short. Talk more later when everyone is calm.
Helping With Big Feelings And Tantrums
Hitting often happens during big feelings or when toddlers are having tantrums. Learning how to help them through these tough moments can lower hitting. Managing toddler tantrums is a key skill for parents.
Steps to help with tantrums:
- Stay calm: Your calm helps them feel safe.
- Acknowledge their feelings: Say things like, “You are very mad right now,” or “You feel sad because you can’t have the cookie.” This shows you hear them.
- Stay close: Even if they push you away, stay near them. Let them know you are there.
- Ensure safety: Make sure they don’t hurt themselves or others while they are upset. Move things away or gently hold them if needed.
- Wait it out: Tantrums pass. They need to get the big feelings out.
- Connect after: Once they start to calm, offer a hug, a gentle back rub, or just sit close. Don’t jump right into a talk about what happened. Connect first.
Helping them through big feelings teaches them that feelings are okay, but hurting is not. It shows them they can handle strong emotions. This supports stopping toddler hitting behavior linked to frustration.
What About Toddler Biting And Hitting?
Sometimes, toddlers might bite and hit. Toddler biting and hitting often come from the same place – big feelings, not enough words, or wanting something.
If biting is also happening, the steps are similar:
- Act fast: Immediately stop the biting/hitting.
- Clear rule: “No biting. Biting hurts.” “No hitting. Hitting hurts.”
- Focus on the person hurt: Show care for the person bitten/hit. “Are you okay?”
- Offer alternatives: “If you’re mad, you can stomp your feet.” “If you need to bite, bite this chewy toy.”
- Give a short break: Move them away if needed.
Biting can feel extra upsetting, but the reasons and solutions are often the same as for hitting. Stay calm and keep teaching the same simple rules and alternatives.
Being Proactive: Stopping Hitting Before It Starts
The best way to stop hitting is to try and prevent it from happening often. Being proactive helps your child feel safe, heard, and less likely to feel overwhelmed.
Ideas to prevent hitting:
- Check for basic needs: Is your child tired? Hungry? Thirsty? Address these things first. A well-rested, well-fed child is less likely to hit.
- Watch for signs of stress: Learn what makes your child frustrated. Is it too many people? A new place? A toy that is too hard? Try to change the situation if you can.
- Give choices: Let your toddler make simple choices (e.g., “Do you want the red cup or the blue cup?”). This gives them a sense of control and can lower frustration.
- Spend special time: Even 10-15 minutes of one-on-one time each day can make a big difference. Let them choose the activity. This fills their need for attention in a positive way.
- Teach feeling words: Help them name feelings throughout the day, not just when they are upset. “Look, that baby is sad.” “You look happy playing!”
- Prepare for changes: Tell your toddler what will happen next. “In 5 minutes, we will clean up.” Use timers or simple songs to help them know what to expect.
- Model gentle behavior: Let your child see you being gentle and handling your own big feelings in calm ways.
By meeting your child’s needs and teaching them skills when they are calm, you lower the chances of hitting happening when they are upset. These are great alternatives to hitting toddler might use out of frustration.
Helping Your Child Learn Right From Wrong
Learning not to hit is a big part of learning right from wrong. This learning takes time and lots of practice. Your role is to be a kind, firm teacher.
Think of yourself as a coach. You wouldn’t expect a child to kick a soccer ball perfectly the first time. Learning not to hit is the same. It needs lots of tries, mistakes, and gentle guidance.
Key things to remember:
- Be patient: Your child will likely hit again. This is normal. It doesn’t mean you are failing. Just calmly repeat the steps.
- Be steady: React the same way every time hitting happens. Children learn best when things are predictable.
- Focus on teaching: Every time is a chance to teach “No hitting, gentle hands.”
- Celebrate small wins: When your child almost hits but stops, or uses words instead of hitting, notice it! “You felt mad, but you used your words! Great job!”
- Get support: Talk to other parents. Read books. It’s okay to ask for help if you feel stuck.
Managing toddler aggression requires patience and a plan. By teaching gentle hands, providing alternatives to hitting toddler uses, and using positive discipline for toddlers, you are giving your child the tools they need to grow into a kind person. This process is all part of the toddler hitting phase, and it does get better with your steady guidance.
When To Seek Extra Help
For most families, the toddler hitting phase passes with consistent, calm guidance. However, sometimes hitting can be a sign of bigger struggles.
Think about getting help if:
- Hitting is happening very often, many times a day.
- Your child is hurting themselves or others badly.
- The hitting doesn’t get any better after many weeks of trying different things.
- The hitting is still happening strongly as your child gets closer to age 4 or 5.
- You feel overwhelmed or unsure how to handle it safely.
You can talk to your child’s doctor. They can check if there are any health reasons for the behavior. They might also suggest talking to a child therapist or a child behavior expert. These experts can give you more ideas and support tailored to your child’s needs. Dealing with toddler aggression that seems extreme needs extra care.
Remember, asking for help is a sign of strength. It means you want the best for your child.
Summing Up Effective Strategies
Stopping a toddler from hitting is a process. It involves understanding why they hit, acting fast when it happens, and teaching them what to do instead.
Key strategies include:
- React right away: “No hitting. Hands are gentle.”
- Teach gentle touch: Show and practice using soft hands.
- Offer other ways to show feelings: Stomping, hugging a pillow, using simple words.
- Keep rules clear and simple: “No hitting.”
- Use positive discipline: Guide and teach with kindness and firmness. Praise good choices.
- Help with big feelings: Stay calm during tantrums, stay close, and ensure safety.
- Be proactive: Meet basic needs, watch for triggers, and offer choices.
- Be patient and steady: It takes time and lots of practice.
By using these ideas, you are not just stopping a toddler hitting behavior. You are helping your child learn important skills about feelings, respect, and how to get along with others. This is the heart of helping your toddler through this challenging phase. It might be hard work, but it makes a big difference for your child’s future.
Frequently Asked Questions About Toddler Hitting
Is it normal for a toddler to hit?
Yes, it is very normal for toddlers to hit. It is a common toddler hitting behavior because they are still learning how to talk and handle big feelings.
How long does the toddler hitting phase last?
For most children, the hitting phase is strongest between ages 18 months and 3 years. With consistent guidance, it usually starts to happen less often and stops as they get better at using words and managing feelings.
What if my toddler hits me?
The steps are the same if your toddler hits you. Act fast, say “No hitting,” show gentle hands, and calmly create space if needed. It can be extra upsetting when they hit you, but try your best to stay calm and use it as a chance to teach.
Should I make my toddler say sorry?
For very young toddlers (under 2.5 or 3), saying “sorry” doesn’t mean much. They don’t truly understand it. It’s better to focus on the person who was hurt and getting them help. You can say, “Mommy is hurt,” or help the child who was hurt feel better. As they get a little older, you can start teaching what sorry means and how to make up for hurting someone (like getting an ice pack or offering a toy).
What if my toddler hits other kids at daycare or the park?
The approach is the same. Work closely with the teachers or other parents. Make sure everyone is using the same clear rules (“No hitting”). Practice gentle hands at home. If hitting is a big problem in group settings, talk to the teachers about ideas they use or ask if there are any common triggers you can avoid.
My toddler hits when they are excited or happy. Why?
Hitting can also happen when toddlers are overly excited. They might not know how to handle all that energy. The same rules apply: “No hitting. Gentle hands.” Then, help them find a safe way to show excitement, like jumping or clapping.
Is it okay to give a consequence like taking away a toy?
Yes, if the hitting is related to a toy (like hitting someone to get a toy), taking away the toy for a short time can be a helpful, related result. For example, “You hit Timmy for the truck. The truck needs a break.” The result should make sense for the situation and be short. This is part of positive discipline for toddlers.
How can I help my toddler manage anger without hitting?
Teach them feeling words, practice calm-down steps (deep breaths, squeezing a pillow), and show them other ways to use their body when mad (stomp feet, jump). Practice these skills when they are calm, not just when they are upset. These are good alternatives to hitting toddler can learn.
My toddler bites and hits. Are these different problems?
Toddler biting and hitting often come from the same place (big feelings, lack of words). The strategies are very similar: stop the action, say the rule clearly, care for the person hurt, offer alternatives, and give a short break if needed.
Will they stop hitting on their own?
Some toddlers might naturally grow out of it as their language skills improve. But guiding them and teaching them other ways to act helps them learn faster and builds good habits. Active teaching is more effective than waiting for them to stop on their own. This helps move past the toddler hitting phase more smoothly.