Why do toddlers hit? Toddlers often hit because they are little and still learning about the world. They do not have many words to share big feelings like anger or frustration. Hitting is often a quick way for them to show you how they feel, get attention, or explore how others react. It is a normal part of toddler growth, but we need to guide them to better ways to act. Positive methods help them learn without shame or fear.
Hitting is a common action for toddlers. It can be upsetting for parents and others. But knowing why it happens is the first step. Toddlers are not trying to be bad. They are simply trying to connect or cope in the only ways they know how right now. Using positive ways to teach them helps them learn right from wrong while feeling safe and loved. This guide will share gentle and strong ways to help your toddler stop hitting and learn better actions. We will look at why toddlers hit, how to stop it when it happens, and how to help them learn kind ways to act for the future. We will talk about toddler aggression and find good toddler behavior solutions.
Image Source: biglittlefeelings.com
Deciphering Why Toddlers Hit
It can be hard to see your child hit. It makes you wonder, “Why are they doing this?” There are a few simple reasons why toddlers hit. It is linked to how their brains and bodies are growing.
Brain Growth
A toddler’s brain is still very new. The part of the brain that helps with thinking ahead and stopping quick actions is not ready yet. This means toddlers often act without thinking. They might hit before they remember that hitting hurts. They do not have much control over their sudden feelings or actions.
Learning About Feelings
Toddlers feel things very strongly. They can feel very happy, very sad, or very angry in seconds. But they do not have the words to say, “I am angry!” or “I am frustrated!” Hitting becomes a way to show these big feelings. It is like their body is saying what their mouth cannot.
Wanting Something
Sometimes toddlers hit because they want a toy someone else has. Or they want your attention right now. They might hit you to get you to look at them. They are trying to get their need met. Hitting is a fast way they have found to try and make something happen.
Trying Things Out
Toddlers learn by doing. They might hit to see what happens. What will you do? What will the other child do? They are like little scientists doing tests. They are not trying to be mean. They are just exploring cause and effect.
Feeling Too Much
Loud places, being tired, or feeling hungry can make toddlers feel overwhelmed. When they feel too much, they might hit. It is a way to let out all the big feelings and energy inside them. This can tie into tantrums and hitting toddler stages.
Stopping Hitting in the Moment: Stop Toddler Hitting
When your toddler hits, you need to act quickly. Your calm and clear actions teach them what is okay and what is not. Here are steps to take right away.
Step 1: Stop the Hitting Gently
Put your hand out gently to block another hit. You can hold their hands softly to stop them from hitting again. Do this calmly. Do not look angry or scared. Your calm shows them you are in control and can help them.
Step 2: Use Few Words, Clearly
Say “No hitting. Hitting hurts.” Use a firm, low voice. Do not yell. Yelling can make a child more upset. Keep your words simple. Toddlers cannot understand long talks when they are feeling big feelings.
Step 3: Name the Feeling (If You Can)
Try to guess why they are hitting. Say, “You are angry because you cannot have the toy right now,” or “You feel mad that I said no.” Naming the feeling helps them start to learn what different feelings are called. It shows them you see they are upset, even if their action (hitting) is not okay.
Step 4: Move Away or Offer Space
If the hitting happened with another person (like a sibling or friend), gently move your toddler away from them. This keeps everyone safe. You can say, “We need some space.” If they hit you, you can move away slightly. This shows them hitting makes people want to move away.
Step 5: Check on the Other Person
Make sure the person who was hit is okay. Show your toddler care for the person who was hurt. “Is [Name] okay? Hitting hurts [Name].” This starts to teach teaching empathy toddler. It helps them see that their action affects others.
Step 6: Redirect to What IS Allowed
Once things are a little calmer, show them what they can do. “You can use your words.” “You can stomp your feet if you are mad.” “You can ask for a turn.” Give them other actions to try next time. This gives them toddler behavior solutions instead of just telling them what not to do.
What NOT To Do
- Do not hit back. Hitting your child to teach them not to hit sends the wrong message. It teaches them that hitting is okay when you are big and mad. This is not positive discipline toddler or gentle parenting hitting.
- Do not give too much attention to the hitting itself. Give quick, firm feedback (“No hitting”). Then focus your energy on teaching the right way or helping them calm down. Too much big reaction (yelling, long talks, looking very shocked) can sometimes make a child hit again for that big reaction.
- Do not force them to say “sorry” if they do not mean it. It is better to help them understand why they should be sorry later. You can say, “Hitting hurt [Name]. Next time, you can ask for a turn.”
- Do not shame them. Do not say things like, “Bad boy/girl!” Focus on the action, not the child. “Hitting is not okay.”
Guiding Future Actions: Positive Discipline Methods
Stopping hitting in the moment is key, but the real work is helping them learn skills for the future. This is where positive discipline shines. It is about teaching, guiding, and connecting, not just punishing.
Teach Feeling Words
Help your toddler learn words for how they feel. Read books about feelings. Make faces to show happy, sad, mad, scared. When you see them feeling something, name it. “You look frustrated.” “Are you feeling angry?” The more words they have for feelings, the less they need to use actions like hitting.
Teach Other Ways to Act When Mad or Frustrated
Toddlers need tools for strong feelings. Give them ideas for what to do instead of hitting:
* Stomp feet
* Rip paper (safely)
* Squeeze a stress ball
* Hit a pillow or cushion
* Take deep breaths (you can blow like a candle together)
* Ask for help
* Use words: “Mad!” “Stop!” “My turn!”
Practice these things when they are calm. You can make it a game. “Let’s practice stomping our feet when we feel angry!”
Model Calm and Kind Behavior
Your child watches you always. Show them how you handle big feelings. If you get frustrated, take a deep breath. Say, “I feel frustrated right now. I’m going to take a breath.” Show them how to solve problems with words, not force. Be kind in how you talk and act, even when you are tired or stressed.
Set Clear Limits Simply
Toddlers need to know what the rules are. Keep rules simple and easy to remember. “Hands are for helping.” “We use gentle touches.” “No hitting.” Say these rules often, not just when they hit. Remind them before they go into situations where hitting might happen, like playing with other children. Setting limits toddler style means repeating often in simple language.
Examples of Simple Limits:
- “Hands are gentle.”
- “Feet stay on the floor.”
- “We use kind hands.”
- “You can use your words.”
Help Them Learn Teaching Empathy Toddler
Empathy is about understanding how others feel. Toddlers are just starting to learn this. When your child hurts someone (even by accident), help them see the other person’s feelings.
* “Look, [Name] is crying. Hitting hurts.”
* “See how sad [Name] looks? That’s because their block tower fell down.”
* “When you feel sad, Mommy gives you a hug. When [Name] feels sad, maybe they need a hug.”
Point out feelings in books and with toys. “How do you think the bear feels? He looks happy!” This helps them practice thinking about feelings outside of themselves.
Use Planned Ignoring (Carefully)
Sometimes, if a toddler is hitting purely for attention (and no one is being hurt badly), a very brief ignore can work. Turn your body away, look away, say nothing. When they stop hitting (even for a second), quickly turn back and give positive attention for not hitting. “Oh, you are using gentle hands now! Thank you!” This works best for attention-seeking hits, not hits from frustration or anger. It needs to be short and planned.
Give Positive Attention Often
Toddlers need lots of your time and attention. When they get lots of positive attention for good things (playing nicely, using words, being gentle), they are less likely to seek attention by hitting. Play with them. Read to them. Talk to them. Notice and praise good behaviors. “I love how gently you are patting the dog.” “You did such a good job asking for the red car!”
Help Them Practice Sharing and Waiting
Hitting can happen when toddlers have to share or wait. Practice these skills in fun ways. Use a timer for turns. Play simple games that involve waiting. “My turn, then your turn!” Cheer them on when they wait or share well. “Wow, you waited so patiently! Good job!”
Specific Discipline Strategies 2 Year Old
Two-year-olds are right in the middle of the hitting phase. They are exploring their world and getting big feelings but have few words. Strategies for a 2-year-old focus on simplicity, quick action, and teaching basic skills.
- Keep it Short: Your response to hitting should be very short. “No hitting. Hands are gentle.” Then move on to redirecting or helping them calm. Long talks do not work.
- Be Physical (Gently): Use your body to show them. Gently guide their hands away. Hold their hands softly while you talk. Move them gently away from the situation. Physical guidance is often clearer than just words at this age.
- Use Visuals: Show them pictures of happy/sad faces. Use hand signs for gentle hands.
- Predict and Prevent: If you know your 2-year-old hits when tired or hungry, plan around it. Offer snacks before playdates. Ensure naps happen. Watch for signs of them getting overwhelmed in busy places. Step in before the hitting starts.
- Focus on ONE Thing: Don’t try to teach too many lessons at once. Focus on “Hands are gentle” or “Use your words.”
- Lots of Practice: Toddlers need to practice new skills many, many times. Practice gentle touches on toys or pets. Practice asking for things. Make it a game.
When Tantrums and Hitting Toddler Behaviors Happen Together
Hitting can be a big part of a tantrum. A tantrum is when a toddler is overwhelmed by feelings they cannot manage. Hitting is often just one part of that overwhelm, like crying, yelling, or throwing things.
How to Handle Hitting During a Tantrum
- Stay Calm: This is the most important thing. Your calm helps them calm down.
- Ensure Safety: Gently block hits. Move anything dangerous away. If needed, gently hold your child in a safe hug until the hitting stops, if you can do so calmly. Do not hold tightly; just prevent hitting others or themselves.
- Few Words: Do not try to reason or talk a lot during a tantrum. They cannot hear you or process it. Say simple things like, “I see you are mad,” or “I will keep you safe.”
- Wait it Out: Often, you need to let the tantrum happen while keeping everyone safe. Be nearby. Let them know you are there. “I’m here when you’re ready for a hug.”
- Connect After: Once the tantrum is over, offer comfort. Do not talk about the hitting right away. Just reconnect. Hugs, quiet time together. Later, when everyone is fully calm, you can briefly say, “When you felt mad earlier, hitting happened. Hands are gentle. Next time, maybe you can hug a pillow when you’re mad.” Keep it short and focused on the action, not blaming them.
Why Not to Punish During a Tantrum
A tantrum is not planned bad behavior. It is a loss of control. Punishing a child who has lost control does not teach them anything helpful in that moment. It can make them feel more scared and alone with their big feelings. The goal is to help them learn to manage those feelings over time, not punish them for having them.
Building Long-Term Toddler Behavior Solutions
Stopping hitting for good takes time and effort. It is about building a strong base of skills and connection.
Build a Strong Connection
Spend special time with your toddler every day. Just 10-15 minutes of focused playtime where you follow their lead makes a big difference. A strong connection helps them feel safe and loved. When children feel safe and loved, they are more likely to want to follow your guidance and limits. This is a core part of gentle parenting hitting challenges.
Look for Patterns
When does the hitting happen?
* When they are tired?
* When they are hungry?
* In crowded places?
* When playing with a certain child?
* During times of change (new place, new person)?
Knowing the patterns helps you prevent hitting. If hitting happens when they are hungry, offer a snack before it becomes a problem. If it happens during transitions, give warnings (“We are leaving in 5 minutes”).
Teach Problem-Solving
As your toddler gets a little older (closer to 3 and beyond), you can start teaching simple problem-solving. If two children want the same toy, instead of stepping in to tell one they cannot have it, ask, “How can you both get a turn?” or “What else could you play with?” Guide them to find simple solutions.
Praise the Positive
Catch your toddler being kind, gentle, or using their words. Praise specific actions. “Thank you for using gentle hands with the baby!” “You did a great job asking me for help!” “I loved how you used your words to tell your friend you wanted a turn.” Positive reinforcement is much more powerful than only focusing on the negative.
Be Patient
Changing a toddler’s behavior takes time. There will be good days and hard days. Hitting might stop for a while and then start again, especially during growth spurts or times of stress. Be patient with your child and with yourself. You are teaching important skills that take years to fully learn.
Setting Limits Toddler Style: Consistency is Key
Limits only work if they are clear and you hold them consistently.
- Everyone Agrees: If possible, make sure all caregivers (parents, grandparents, daycare teachers) handle hitting in a similar way. Saying “No hitting” sometimes and ignoring it other times is confusing.
- Mean What You Say: If you say, “If you hit, we will leave the park,” then you must leave the park if they hit. Follow through calmly. This teaches them that you mean business and helps them learn what to expect.
- Repeat Simply: Toddlers need rules said again and again. “Gentle hands, remember?”
- Connect, Then Correct: Before giving a rule or correcting behavior, try to connect with your child. Get down to their level. Make eye contact. This helps them feel seen and makes them more likely to listen.
Table: Positive Responses to Hitting
| If Toddler Is Hitting Because… | Try These Positive Methods | Example Words to Use (Simple) | Skills Toddler is Learning |
|---|---|---|---|
| Feeling Big Feelings (Anger, Frustration) | Name the feeling; Offer alternative actions; Offer space | “You feel mad! Stomp your feet. I’m here.” | Feeling words, Coping skills |
| Wanting Attention | Give quick, clear limit; Briefly ignore hitting; Immediately give positive attention when hitting stops | “No hitting.” (Look away briefly) “Wow, gentle hands! Thank you!” | Cause & effect (hitting doesn’t get good attention), Seeking positive attention |
| Wanting an Object | Name the desire; Help them use words; Teach sharing/waiting | “You want the red car. Ask [Name] for a turn.” “Wait time, then your turn!” | Using words, Sharing, Patience, Problem-solving |
| Overwhelmed/Tired | Remove from situation; Offer comfort; Meet basic needs (rest, snack) | “Looks like you need a quiet break.” “Let’s go get a drink.” | Self-awareness (recognizing being overwhelmed), How to calm down |
| Just Trying It Out | Give clear, firm limit; Redirect; Teach gentle touch | “No hitting. Hitting hurts. Hands are gentle.” “Let’s pat the doggy gently.” | Limits, What is acceptable, Gentle touch |
When to Seek Help
Most toddlers will go through a hitting phase. It is normal. But sometimes, toddler aggression can feel too much, or it lasts for a long time. If you are worried, it is okay to ask for help.
Talk to your child’s doctor. They can check if there is anything else going on. They can also point you to child behavior experts who can offer more specific toddler behavior solutions.
Signs you might want to get extra help:
* Hitting is very frequent and hard to stop.
* Hitting causes serious harm.
* Your child seems very angry or aggressive most of the time.
* You feel like you have tried everything, and nothing is working.
* You feel overwhelmed or scared by your child’s hitting.
Getting help early is a good thing. It does not mean you have failed. It means you are doing everything you can to help your child.
Keeping Positive Discipline Going
Remember that positive discipline toddler methods are a journey, not a quick fix. There will be moments when you feel tired or frustrated. That is okay. Be kind to yourself.
Focus on these key ideas:
* Connection: Your relationship with your child is the most important tool.
* Teaching: Think of yourself as a teacher, not a punisher. You are teaching new skills.
* Limits: Clear, simple, consistent limits show them the path.
* Patience: Growth takes time.
By using gentle parenting hitting strategies, you are helping your toddler learn how to manage their big world and big feelings in healthy ways. You are teaching them that all feelings are okay, but not all actions are. You are guiding them to be kind, gentle people. This is one of the most important jobs you have as a parent. It is hard work, but it builds a strong, loving base for your child’s future.
Hitting is a chance to teach. It is a chance to connect. It is a chance to guide. Take these chances calmly and with love.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Q: How long does the hitting phase last?
A: It is different for every child. For many, it starts around 18 months and can last until age 3 or even 4. It often gets better as their language skills grow and they learn other ways to cope and communicate.
Q: What if my toddler hits me?
A: Use the same steps: stop the hitting gently, say clearly “No hitting. Hitting hurts me,” move away briefly, and redirect. It is important for them to learn they cannot hit you either. Model how to handle feeling hurt calmly. “Ouch! That hurt. I don’t like to be hit.”
Q: What if my toddler hits another child?
A: Step in quickly to stop the hitting and keep everyone safe. Address your child first: “No hitting. Hitting hurts.” Move your child away from the other child. Check on the child who was hit and show them care. This helps your child see the effect of their actions (part of teaching empathy toddler). Later, when calm, you can talk briefly about what happened and what to do next time.
Q: Should I use time-out for hitting?
A: For toddlers (especially under 3), time-out can be confusing. A “calm-down spot” or “time-in” (staying with you but having quiet space) can be more helpful. The goal is to help them learn to calm down, not to isolate them as punishment. If you use a short time-out (1-2 minutes maximum), make sure it is done calmly as a way to regain control, not as punishment done in anger.
Q: My toddler hits when they are told “no.” What should I do?
A: This is very common and tied to frustration. When you say “no,” keep your words simple and firm. Then quickly redirect them to something they can do. “No cookies before dinner. You can have some fruit.” If they hit, follow the steps for stopping hitting. This is a key time to teach them how to handle hearing “no” and feeling frustrated using skills other than hitting.
Q: Is positive discipline the same as being permissive?
A: No. Positive discipline is not about letting your child do whatever they want. It is about setting clear setting limits toddler needs, but doing so with kindness and teaching. You are firm about the rules but gentle with the child. Permissive parenting often lacks clear limits and guidance. Positive discipline provides both structure and support. It offers toddler behavior solutions that teach skills, not just stop actions temporarily through fear.